Lost

Once again I have been absent from blogging here. Not that I wanted to by any means. I am usually an upbeat happy soul who loves life and love blogging about the wonderful things in life, But I really feel the need to vent about something that is by no means wonderful.


About two weeks ago my oldest son’s best friend’s brother, who also was also one of my son’s best friends committed suicide. I find just typing the word suicide brings tears to my eyes and an instant lump in my throat. His name was Kyle and he was 27 years old. This was totally unexpected…for everyone! Kyle pretty much grew up in our household since late middle school early high school days. Any given morning we could wake up to Corey and Kyle sleeping on the couch or on the floor and upon their waking hear them say “Hey Momma W., Hey Old Man(hubby) whats for breakfast?” Kyle had an absolutely wonderful and giving heart. If anyone needed anything he was always there for them. He wasn’t into drugs or alcohol. He always had a smile on his face and this
Mischievous giggle that made you giggle. He was a gentle soul and never was into fist fighting or posturing for others.He had a career in the field that he always wanted to go into he was a sous-chef at a prestigious hotel in a nearby city. He played trumpet in a classical band in a neighboring big city. In high school he was in the band and they won a competition to go to Japan and played for The Emperor.

Things were going along great for him….or so everyone thought.

I am having such a hard time understanding and dealing with this, I can only imagine what his parents must be going through and if I feel this kind of grief over a child that wasn’t my own flesh and blood how could I ever cope if one of my own kids died? I have so many unanswered questions but the one that will remain unanswered for the rest of my life will be WHY?


He did have depression issues,but mostly over having large medical bills and no insurance, I guess that could have played into it. I know all too well how dark depression feels. How you can smile and laugh in a room full of people all the while crying on the inside and feeling an overwhelming sense of being alone in that moment, although its totally unfounded for any reason. I had a friend that was more my best friends friend, but I still knew her well that committed suicide a few years back but everyone knew she had battled with life long serious depression. Doesn’t make it any easier. If Kyle had been depressed in the last few years he didn’t show it or talk to anyone about it at all. This is how awful this disease depression can be because it is so silent and internal sometimes its hard to see it’s warning signs in others if they hide it good. If this is why he in fact took his own life.


Why did he feel like he couldn’t reach out to anybody when he clearly had to know so many people loved him???

What could we have said or done to reach out to him that may have stopped him from doing this?


What drove him to such a desperate state of mind that he viewed this as his only remaining solution???

OMG what were his last moments like? What has he feeling?


People found out later that he did a no call/no show to work and when people called him that day he didn’t return their calls or texts. The police found him in his car early the following morning with a single gunshot to the head.

I feel like I want to throw up. I just can’t grasp this. I need to cry and typing this and sharing this I know is helping me to do just that.

I have these mental movies of seeing him through the back winshield of his car feeling so desperate and alone and crying in mental anguish with the gun to his temple and thinking and thinking and then…pulling.

I want those images to just go away, never return. I know they will eventually, when I can find some semblance of sanity in this horrific ordeal.

To give you an idea how many people loved Kyle, his memorial service was held ina huge church’s auditorium and it was still standing room only. My husband had been the strong, stoic one up until that point where he then cried silent tears through the whole service as they continuously looped pictures of Kyle on the big movie screen and told happy, funny stories of his life. It was a beautiful service but I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t feel anything. I asked myself why can’t I hurt with everyone else at that moment and a little whisper of a voice said to me because nothing hurt as bad as the look on your son’s face when he hung up the phone and
looked at us in shock and simply said “Kyle’s dead”. I suppose that’s true but it felt more like disbelief than anything at that point. I almost broke down when I saw the emptiness on Kyle’s parents faces. No parent should ever have to bury their child.


And especially not under the circumstances of his death. My heart goes out to them so much I can’t even begin to explain it.
　
Is he in a better place? Happy and no pain? I like to think so. I like to think that there is something more than just here and now. I keep hearing his voice saying “It’s ok momma W. I am so much better now” ending with that mischievous giggle. Perhaps that’s just my way of making peace with this or perhaps he really is telling me he is ok, we used to love to talk about and go ghost hunting from time to time. If anyone can answer these questions for me please do I could use the help. If you should even have the slightest idea that you may be depressed please, please talk to someone about it and ask for help. It’s ok to ask for help its nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. The more people you tell the more help you can get.

Any type of death is hard, but a suicide death I think is the hardest because of all the unanswered questions and all that can not be explained remains. Not a lot of closure. Just what you can make for yourself that’s acceptable to you.

Sorry for this long, long post but I just had to put this in writing and share it with someone to try to feel a little better and I actually think it has helped a little. Thanx for listening to my sorrow